This post may be a little ranty so you have been warned.

One of the most interesting paradoxes of the hotwife lifestyle is the search for single males. Objectively speaking, this really shouldn’t be a problem, and personal standards notwithstanding, it isn’t. There are plenty of guys out there willing to meet up at almost any location to get some free pussy. However, most couples have at least a modicum of decency standards and some that we have seen, ourselves included, have rather high standards stemming from a multitude of perspectives like looks, personality, attitude, hygiene, profession, education, penis size, etc.

Now, from what we gather, the frequent complaints when searching for single men are:

  • They are lying about something be it a partner, age, looks, performance, etc.
  • They flake…a lot. Which is likely tied to #1.
  • They are disrespectful.
  • They are aggressive both in personality and physically.
  • They have a severe misunderstanding of the situation they are being invited into and/or have preconceived notions of the hubby.

One of the biggest problems for us with all of this drama is just the sheer headache and wasted time it causes. It has already gotten to the point where Mina has little to no interest in trying to find single men. When we do have a drink/dinner planned with a new suitor, she is not eager or excited or even hopeful. It’s like a, “here we go again” kind of reluctance.

Some of Our Experiences

Here are a few of our experiences just to color in the details.

John Doe #1: The Gentleman Ghost

We meet John Doe #1 on an open-relationship dating site. He was a bit older than us but looked fit and reasonably handsome. One of our fantasies is for Mina to have an older boyfriend. Someone established, mature, successful, and downright dapper if you will. #1 is a successful lawyer with a professional history in Fortune 500 executive leadership as well as with known non-profits that fight for causes we believe in. He wrote and spoke well and was extremely respectful to both of us.

We meet him over sushi, as we typically do, and the evening went very well! Prior to this, there was a lot of back-and-forth for a few weeks between Jonathan and #1. #1 lived out of state but traveled here at least monthly so we thought the situation would be prefect! He was married but also in an open relationship. Everyone seemed engaged and eager and things felt comfortable. After that first dinner, he was to be in town for another few days so we invited him over the day before he was to leave for some intimate time at our place. He seemed excited and very eager.

Unfortunately, the morning on the day he was supposed to come over, he messaged and said that he has a migraine and that he would need to skip that evening. Ok, things happen. Sure, we had a hunch it was a lie but we told him to let us know the next time he was in town and we could meet up then. Well that was almost a year ago and we know that he comes to town once if not twice a month so he has vanished.

John Doe #2: The Alpha

John Doe #2 was a slightly younger single guy we meet on a swingers site. He was educated, wrote well, and while we had some reservations about his demeanor, we decided to be open-minded about things and have dinner with him. He had a history in the military and was able to speak relatively well on a variety of topics. Dinner was ok if not a little awkward at times. He talked a lot (a red flag we should have noted at the time) and often about himself. Despite this, he did seem like a decent guy.

It took us a few weeks of thinking if we should invite him over (another red flag we should have listened to). Mina was lukewarm about him but we decided to keep with our strategy of giving people the benefit of the doubt so we invited him over that Friday night. During the evening chat on the sofa, we could start to feel his ego coming out a bit more and he became a little more physically forward and instigated some touching and such. None of it was unwanted and Mina was fine with it. Eventually, things got sexual and they had sex on the sofa. Mina said it just mediocre and that she faked her orgasm to get things moving. He was more physically aggressive than she liked. Just too much roughness on her breasts and a little too much sucking going on.

For whatever reason, we have found that a lot of guys think women like things rough. Sure, some do but we find it odd that there’s no real discussion about it beforehand (or even during…maybe just ask?). We do mention it early in our conversations but it got missed in this one. Regardless, #2 seems to have the personality that one might suspect would go with that type of lover. This was a learning experience for us. Not regretful necessarily but this one taught us that keeping an open mind about people we bring into the bedroom doesn’t mean overlooking the small red flags that might arise. Additionally, we’ve made having, “the talk” about sexual preferences, techniques, etc. be a necessary conversation before things get physical.

John Doe #3: The Taker/s

This is not necessarily one person but rather a few (probably 3-4) men that we have conversed with that initially seemed promising but then expressed that they would, “only be with the wife if the husband wasn’t there.” Ok, cool bro, that’s your preference and yes, a lot of husbands are perfectly fine with that setup. More power to them all!

However, I do have a little something to say about it. Who exactly do you think you are? Do you think you are that good or that afraid of having another masculine individual in the room that you can’t perform? You want to have your cake and eat it too without giving anything back (attempting to give Mina sexual pleasure isn’t giving her something she doesn’t already have)? For us at least, inviting you into the bedroom is an augmentation of our own relationship. We get the satisfaction and experience of sexual excitement and strengthening our relationship while you get similar sexual excitement and release. We see it as fairly symbiotic. I guess I just don’t understand why with such a large pool to chose from in a highly competitive arena such as this is, you would intentionally limit yourselves like this? What’s the rationale? To us, it reeks of insecurity, selfishness, and a grandiosity complex.

Don’t get me wrong, if this is what all parties want, then cool. But when we explicitly say that any adult time will include everyone…that’s really what it means and the chances of a single male being so utterly godly that Mina just can’t help herself is next to nill.

John Doe #4: The Mind Changers…Who Don’t Tell Us

Again, this one actually sums up 3+ males that we’ve had a few rounds of conversations with. They are typically new entrants into the world of couples play and/or have traditionally been monogamous and are trying to expand their horizons. Everything is new to them but the draw of some sexy photos of Mina on a dating app or swingers site spurs them into the confidence that yes, this is something they really want and can do.

Things go swimmingly for the first few messages. Everyone is open and seems to have a lot in common or are at least faking it very well. Then the rubber meets the road and we invite them to a dinner/drink date. We throw out some days and times and ask them to let us know what might work. Then…nothing. It’s usually a, “great, let me check my schedule and get back to you” then nothing.

Look, we get that this is the price of admission for most couples but doing stuff like this knowing that the odds are WAY against you and yet when you get invited to a date…you back out by ghosting? What’s the point? Everyone’s time is wasted and you have again, given honest couples more to hold over the heads of quality single men in the lifestyle.


Obviously, these recommendations are specific to us but they might be applicable to other couples like us so maybe it’s helpful for you solo gents looking for a good couple!

  • Don’t make assumptions about the couple. Don’t assume that the husband can’t please his wife. Don’t assume it’s a cuck thing and that they are only talking to you because they need an alpha. Ask first. Be inquisitive. When we encounter males who don’t ask questions about us, it’s a big red flag. It shows that you are only looking to get off and have no interest in a) actually pleasuring Mina, b) actually interested in fulfilling a beneficial role that we want, and c) care at all about us as persons vs a pussy to pump and dump.
  • Take what we say in our profile as fact. Don’t think that you are so amazing that the rules will be bent for you. You are not Chris Hemsworth or Jason Momoa for whom Mina would gladly bend the rules for (and I would let her ;). For discerning couples like us, we only bend the rules after we know you well and we’ve meet up and played a number of times.
  • Be honest, even if you have to fib a little initially. Look, we get it. Maybe once we’re at dinner and have all invested time and a little money into a meeting, you’re just not interested. Maybe you don’t like Mina or me or maybe it’s just not the kind thing you want after all. No problem. You don’t have to tell us that at dinner…that’s awkward for everyone. It’s fine to fib a little here to get out of the awkwardness. This is the primary reason we NEVER play on the first date. It’s fine to send us a message later and just be honest. You’re just not interested or you changed your mind. We would do the same and it’s perfectly fine! Treat this a little like a business transaction at that point. Be honest but be to the point at the right time and place.
  • If you are serious about getting into this lifestyle as a solo guy, do your research. We are big fans of AZGigolo’s (who BTW is one of Mina’s only long-term play partners) podcast The Stag’s Stable and you should be too! There are plenty of successful and genuine guys in this lifestyle who know how to act and treat couples. Contrary to popular belief, this is not just as easy as getting hard and fucking. It’s far more complicated so learn about it.

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